OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
