Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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