If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
