The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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