When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
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