How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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