Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
