The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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