Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
