There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
soo... how was my night?
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