Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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