Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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