My room smells like vodka and shame
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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