Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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