I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
