You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The Olympian is in my bed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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