T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
