You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
