i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
