I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
