Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
