Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
