hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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