Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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