fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
