haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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