Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
