Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
