i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
