Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
