i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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