if i can run in heels then i can drive
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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