Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
