She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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