I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
