just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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