I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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