it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
