I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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