even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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