Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
