Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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