Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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