Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
