whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
