Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
