How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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