I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
