Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize