My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
