i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
false alarm, still single
Randomize
