You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
