don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
