I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
