if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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