I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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