Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
