If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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