What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
