You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And then he peed in my hair
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