He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
